I decided to write down some of my experiences and mixtures of feelings following the death of my wife in November 2019. She was 45 and was finally taken down by cancer (TNBC for those in the know) which she had battled against bravely and tirelessly for years.
The purpose of this blog is primarily a cathartic one, as writing down one’s feelings and thoughts makes processing them easier and helps to gather a mismatching cloud of mental strands into something that makes a bit more sense…maybe.
Since knowing what was coming, I have often looked for people in similar situations. I read blog posts, watched videos including the documentary about Rio Ferdinand being a (then) single dad, and read books. The mixture of emotions before, during and after the death of a spouse is intense and often confusing. I hope that, by sharing some of my experiences, it might help others too.
I don’t think that there are any right things to feel when somebody dies or wrong things to feel. However, at the time, it feels like there should be certain things you should be experiencing. Having things like guilt over feeling something like relief is fundamentally wrong (it isn’t) can drive you a little crazy. Whatever you go through or have gone through is personal to you but maybe sharing my experiences will help someone else in some way.
We had three children together, who I refer to as TA, TF and ES. TA and TF are twins, who were 9 years old at the time of their mother’s death. TA has an ASD diagnosis but this is generally not an issue in life. ES is their older brother who turned 13 just days before she passed. I am now, for the time being at least, a Solo Dad of three wonderful boys. We will see where our story goes from here…