The reduced traffic of lockdown meant I arrived at the burial ground in almost half the time I had allowed. I had received numerous message of support in the morning. As I pulled into the car park a friend called to let me know they were thinking of me. She asked if I was ok. Until that moment I was. But that simple question brought tears to my eyes and everything suddenly became difficult and a challenge. This has happened before. Walking around just holding it together when a simple gesture or sign of concern, such as touching my hand and asking, “are you ok?”, results in the sudden release of things being held tightly within. “I was until you asked”, would be my reply as I went into an awkward spin.
Lockdown, it seems, has given everyone time to think and to plan. This has been the case for me, especially in the latter weeks where my early lockdown routines have wilted away, a bit of tedium has set in, and, to be honest, loneliness has started to creep in. Some big life decisions are on the horizon and, for the first time in a very long time, the responsibility for these decisions rests upon my shoulders.