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Looking Back

Making Decisions

Lockdown, it seems, has given everyone time to think and to plan. This has been the case for me, especially in the latter weeks where my early lockdown routines have wilted away, a bit of tedium has set in, and, to be honest, loneliness has started to creep in. Some big life decisions are on the horizon and, for the first time in a very long time, the responsibility for these decisions rests upon my shoulders.

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The Guilt of Feeling Relief When Someone Dies

A retrospective look at feelings following the death of my spouse in 2019.

The subject of feeling a certain sense of relief following the death of a loved one is really tough. Amidst a fog of emotions, immediately following my wife’s death, I know that relief was a strong and powerful emotion or feeling. What immediately followed was a dark and heavy burden of guilt for feeling this way.

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“Life-Saving” Diets & Supplements

During the months and years that my wife had cancer lurking, ever-present, like most people in this position she wanted to give herself the best chance of her body beating it. To this end, we bought book, after book, of supposedly cancer-busting, life-saving diets or diet and supplement regimes.

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Bottling It – Asking the Doctors to Tell the Kids. Part 2: After

A retrospective look-back at events in November 2019.

We gathered in the family room.  Myself, my three boys, my father-in-law, a friend who had been visiting (who, on receiving a message from me, abandoned the fitness class she was in the middle of teaching),  and the friend who had brought the boys. The doctor and one of the nursing staff (I think), came in and told us all that mummy was really poorly and was going to die. Soon. Any-time-now soon.

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Bottling It – Asking the Doctors to Tell the Kids. Part 1: Before

A retrospective look-back at events in November 2019.

It was Friday.  My wife wasn’t waking up.  At this point, we didn’t know exactly when the end would be but the doctors said it would be soon, maybe less than 24 hours.  All of my children were at school but they now had to be told what was going on. This news was going to be devastating as, only the day before, I received medical equipment such as a bed and hoist into my then cleared out dining room so that my wife could come and spend some time at home whilst starting a new treatment regime which was being discussed.  Now, everything was changing.

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